Ransom

I’ve been thinking lately about what it means that Jesus ransomed me.

The Definition of ransom is this:  a consideration paid or demanded for the release of someone or something from captivity

Jesus demanded through payment of His own life that I be set free. Free from the captivity of my own sin, and from eternal death that I deserved. He took my punishment, so that I may have life, and have it abundantly (how I ever live a day without standing in jaw-dropping awe of that fact, is beyond me.)

Question is, What does that really mean for my life, and how I live it?  I believe that what it really means is that my life is not my own, on a deeper level than I’ve ever understood. It can’t be my own. He bought my life with an incredible price, and now, it’s His, it’s ALL His. My days are His. My money is His. My plans are His. My future is His. All I have to do is say, yes.

So Jesus, I say yes. Yes to whatever, where ever, however. My life is your’s.

 

Today I feel…

Today I feel…

Lost

Confused

Unsettled

Helpless

Hurt

Broken

Conflicted

Lonely

Exhausted

Needy

Weak

Uncertain

Overwhelmed

Desperate

Today He is…

Faithful

Just

Holy

Good

Sovereign

Strong

Loving

True

Worthy

Present

In control

Forgiving

Gracious

King

Lord help me rest in the truth of your character, not the triviality of my emotions.

My roommate told me once, “Sometimes I feel like I’m just eating dirt in the valley of death. But it’s okay, because Jesus is there, and He’s with me, and He’s going to carry me out.”

Lord, thank you that you will never abandon me here, in the desert. That even when I wake up feeling like I’m just eating dirt in the valley of death you are still with me, and you are still good.

The promises of Christ are so beautiful. I’ve found that speaking His character brings me life, and joy, even in the desert places. Thank you Jesus.

Trusting Him

Yesterday,  during my time with Jesus, I had one of those mornings. The ones where you don’t really know what to pray, you just come to His throne empty handed, weak, and needy. So I decided to just sit, and ask the Lord what He wanted to say to me. He said two things. Two things that I think if I really was able to grasp and live out, would change me immensely.

He said:

“I love you fiercely.”

“All I need you to do is trust me to carry you through today. Trust me for today. We’ll worry about tomorrow when it gets here.”

Senior year for me has been a time of exhaustion, confusion, frustration.  I have found myself almost daily trying to figure out what He’s calling me to for the next season of life. And every time have walked away with my future looking the same, incredibly blurry. The Lord has told me that I need to just wait a few times, He will lead me. Such a frustrating thing sometimes, but yesterday it was refreshing. In the midst of hectic, jumbled life, it was an opportunity to rest. One day, that’s all He asks me. Now, I can do one day.

sweet sweet love of Jesus

I always see the most beautiful pictures of love at the hospital. Today I saw it in an elderly couple on my floor. My patient was probably late 70’s, and dying of cancer. She was on constant oxygen, and couldn’t move by herself hardly at all. She spent most of the day sleeping, and her belly was continuously filling with fluid. Her husband arrived later in the morning and loved her beautifully. He showed up and immediately set to work draining her stomach to make her more comfortable. He sat by her bed the rest of the day, always keeping his voice down so he wouldn’t wake her. He brought her a clean night gown from home, and helped us change her, and move her. Always talking to her sweetly and patiently and moving her gently. He knew how to work all of her equipment far better than we did, and was caring for her on his own at home. She was a mess, and alot of work, she hardly talked or gave him much of a response at all. But he just loved her, just where she was, not because of anything she was doing, just cause he did.

The Lord loves his children like this. This semester has been a whirlwind at times, spanning from exhaustion to loneliness. I feel like such a mess some days. And as I walked out of that room, I felt Jesus saying, “that’s only a fragment of how much I love you.”  He takes us with our mess, and unresponsiveness. With disobedient hearts, and lives that have virtually nothing to offer to so majestic a King. He just loves us, just cause He does. What a magnificent, mysterious, beautiful thing it is.

Noah Noah Noah…

Blythe has a little brother named Noah. Noah is freshly 4. He is constantly cracking us up with the things that come out of his mouth, as well as the faces and movements that go with them. Occasionally, when I have my phone handy I document some of the things he says.

While eating grilled cheese, Fiona(6 year old sister) becomes concerned about the little black specs on her sandwich.

I came up with the easiest answer I could,

“Well Fi, sometimes the bread just looks like that after you cook it in a pan.”

Then Noah chimed in, and stated very matter of factly, like it’s information he was born with,

“It’s called Neenpaws.”

“That doesn’t sound like english Noah, what language is that?”

“Oh, it’s china.”

“Well how do we say it english?”

“Here it’s finebaws.”

Blythe’s parents are trying to sell their old house so they have samples of hardwood floor. Noah decided he wanted to play with one, when I told him he couldn’t, he picked it up and went to ask his mom. Once he was told no again he walked back into the dining room where he got it, and said,

“She said no. I’m gonna put this somewhere I can’t reach it.”

Gotta love self-discipline.

“Noah, why do you eat your boogers, that’s gross.”

“Because. They’re tasty.”

He was really on today.

Fiona was talking about the movie Brother Bear, she wanted to know about it, but I hadn’t seen it so I wasn’t much help. But she kept asking,

“Does the bear stay a bear?” (who knows.)

So Noah being the movie expert spoke up,

“I’ve seen it. No, he doesn’t stay a bear. He turns into a leopard. (long pause) Get it??? A Leopard!”

After the discussion on brother bear fiona decided she’d had enough of her imaginative brother,

“I’m never talking to you again.”

“Then I’ll spank you on the cheek!!! …tomorrow.”

Very threatening Noah. Nice.

He was looking at the pictures on my phone, he came to one of Lucy, and stated,

“She’s my girlfriend.”

After that we heard about his girlfriend, whom he lovingly named, “funkywam”,  for about 30 minutes.

He kept talking about how silly she was and how she did funky moves(which were demonstrated and usually involved sticking his tongue out) everytime she played sports.

“One of my girlfriends is so silly. She’s so silly I can’t imagine. She does so much funky stuff!”

“Noah, you crack me up.”

“That’s because my girlfriends do.”

Maybe it’s one of those you have to be there things but I sure get a laugh out of him, as do blythe and fiona.

Offensive

I was mean tonight. Anyone that knows me very well knows,  I hate confrontation, and I’m a people pleaser. I don’t like offending people, people not liking me, etc. etc.

But tonight, well tonight, I was mean. I was offensive. I made someone cry. I even told them that I didn’t care if I made them angry, or if I made them not like me. I didn’t care what they thought about me. I stood there and let them have it, in a parking lot with people walking by. And I didn’t feel the least bit sorry about it.

I told her everything she didn’t want to hear. The un-sugarcoated, raw version. I offended her, upset her, caused tears and anger. But it was all truth. It was the gospel. And as backwards as it seems, it was loving. My words were not my own.

After my rant, we stood there for a while. Tears rolling down her cheeks. What now Lord? I just made a huge mess. Then she slumped to the ground, crying, and I just sat with her.  All the while, praying:

“Jesus, I’ve got nothing to give her.” I felt Him smiling.  “Exactly. Just sit.”

“Jesus, I can’t fix this.” “Yep. Just sit.”

“Jesus, what do I say now?”  And He gently replied “Just sit.”

So we sat. For about an hour. I kept thinking, what do I say if she asks me why I’m still sitting with her? Well why was I sitting with her? It was uncomfortable, in more ways than one. The hard ground and the silence. I felt the Lord saying, because this is how I love you. The peace of the Lord filled me up and I felt myself smiling. I love you Jesus.

He disciplines us, then He sits with us. Not because He feels bad about offending us but because He wants us to know how deeply He loves us.

In one experience I learned alot; I have nothing to give outside of Jesus(Praise the Lord!), and sometimes we just need to sit. But the thing that stuck out most was the offensiveness of the gospel.

I think too often we’re taught to “love people into the kingdom”.  Don’t get me wrong, I think we need to love people. But I don’t think loving them always looks like we think it should. Jesus was offensive. The gospel is offensive, and very serious. It’s watered down, sugar-coated, and dumbed down WAY too often. I think sometimes we need to offend people.

In that moment sitting with her, theology didn’t matter, all the sermons I’ve heard on sharing Christ in the “right way” didn’t matter. Jesus mattered. That was it.

I am praying. And I am thankful that it’s Him, not me.

In India

I don’t have much time to write, it’s almost breakfast time here. But I wanted to tell a little about the trip so far.

The weather here in Bangalore is amazing, 70s and 80s almost all day with showers almost every day. It’s a good break from the Texas heat.

We’ve been spending most of our days going out and sharing the gospel all day. We have mastered the art of getting a rickshaw and getting around that way, alot of rickshaw drivers will try to rip you off the Long term team prepared us for that.

We have had alot of interesting conversations with people on the streets, in malls, in restaurants, and parks. We are finding that alot of the younger generation here really leans towards a relativistic view of God, believing essentially that we all believe the same thing and follow the same God. Pray for this! Most of what they say isn’t logical, so trying to logic them into believing in Jesus is a waste of time, we need his power and presence to encounter people, only then will lives be changed.

People are very willing to talk here, and very hospitable. A few days ago, me and two other girls went out and got invited to a young girl’s home after simply saying hello to her. She invited us in, gave us tea and coffee(the chai was incredible) and listened as we shared the gospel, we got to pray blessing over her and her family we’re praying the Lord continues to work in her.

The food here is good, we don’t eat traditional indian food very much, there are alot of american chains and we have eaten KFC and Pizza hut a few times

The kids have done great and are a magnet to the Indians, we went to a place called Lal Bagh parked yesterday and were ambushed with people wanting to take pictures and just stare at the kids. All in all the kids have adjusted really well and are a great opener for conversations with locals.

In the next 4 days, I’m really hoping to get to go to a hospital to pray for people and share the gospel. We desperately need His power, and we are expecting great things in our last few days here. I know this is jumbled and short. Please pray that these next few days would be fruitful. Pray against disappointment and pray that we would be expectant as we go out. We feel like we are running into a lot of walls in conversations, so pray for open doors, and that His presence would be real to them. Pray for healings and miracles to be done as we pray. We are so blessed to get to share His story with people here, and we are finding that even if we aren’t seeing tons of salvations yet, the gospel is going out, and that alone blesses His heart.

1 Corinthians 2:1-2 and Psalms 65:5 are on my mind today and for the rest of this trip. What is awesome to the Lord? We are asking for those things to happen.

It’s officially hot outside.

I’m going to try to get better about blogging more regularly this summer. So we’ll see how long that lasts.

This week I’ve been going to vacation bible school with Blythe. Blythe’s my summer love. She’s 7 and this is my 3rd summer to take care of her. For those of you who haven’t heard me talk about her, I’ll fill ya in. Blythe was born with a condition called Rett Syndrome. It’s a genetic disorder found in only girls. Pretty much Rett girls develop normally for 18-24 months, they start walking, talking, feeding themselves, etc. Then they gradually start to lose their functioning. Blythe, praise Jesus, can still walk. But as with all Rett syndrome girls, she can’t talk or use her hands, essentially she has no way to communicate or do anything for herself. It’s not 100% certain how Rett girls develop cognitively but they believe that they develop similarly to any child their age. So Blythe, is pretty much a lovely 7 year old girl, trapped in a body that won’t do what she wants it to. Fortunately, technology is such that Blythe is learning how to talk using a computer, so cool. She is constantly cracking us up with the things she’ll say at just the right moment. My favorite is when her family(she has a 6 year old sister and 4 year old brother) is being kind of ridiculous, she’ll sometimes go to this one page and say “this is my family.” haha.

Okay so back to VBS. So we’ve been at VBS this week, which she’s really enjoyed, it’s been a little challenging for me. The other little girls in her group don’t really pay attention to her, and any attention she does get is generally staring or asking me questions like, “why does she drink out of a baby cup?” (well God made Blythe so that her hands won’t do what she wants them to, so normal cups are too hard for her to drink out of) “why does she scream all the time?” (Well God made Blythe so her brain won’t let her talk, so she screams to express herself) “what is that thing on her arm?” (Well Blythe chews on her hand sometimes, and she has a cut right now so that keeps her arm straight so she won’t chew on it) Which I always have to follow by, “But Blythe understands what you’re saying to her if you talk to her.” How do you explain all that to a 7 year old,  that this is how Jesus made her, and we need to accept her and love her just like we do anyone else? I had a hard enough time getting used to it, and getting to that point and I’m 20!  Blythe doesn’t seem to mind that most of the girls pretend like she’s not there, but I do. Yesterday though, we were at game time, running around, playing “plagues” which is pretty much “man, gun, gorilla” or “rock paper scissors”. Blythe and I were running around looking for someone to pair up with, but everyone just steered away , so when it came time to play I just turned her back to back with me and we played. The next round we were running around and I was fully prepared to be her partner every round. But a precious little freckled face girl came running over with a big smile on her face and got back to back with Blythe. It made me smile so big. I told Blythe what we were gonna be and when we turned around, we tied. Her name was Riley, she said she knew Blythe and they were in a class together. She sat next to Blythe after we finished playing and all during games today she hula-hooped with Blythe and talked to her. She helped Blythe put her hula hoop back, and told her that she liked her glasses. And later when she saw us in the hallway, she ran up giggling and said “Look Blythe, I lost my name tag!” It made me want to cry. 7 year old freckled face Riley, got it. She talked to Blythe like she was there, and really knew how to be her friend. I don’t know if Blythe took too much notice, but I sensed the love of Christ in Riley. She loved Blythe so well, and no one even asked her to, she did it on her own, and was so joyful about it. I know that wasn’t me at 7. I am so quick to judge, and if I’m honest probably slow to love, especially those that are hard to love, hard to understand, or just “different”. A little girl named Riley demonstrated the love that Christ calls us to have for others, she has definitely impacted me and challenged me to love others differently. I guess we should never underestimate what the Lord will teach us. VBS is certainly teaching me more than I thought it would.

 

Blythe in her Croc hat that covered up her face.

 

All tuckered out

Trial vs. Triumph

Bear with me, this is long. I apologize for the jumbled mess of my words as I try to type out what I’m thinking, feeling and experiencing.

I was reading through Matthew and came across this verse(Jesus is speaking to His disciples):

“One day after they had returned to Galilee, Jesus told them, ‘The Son of man is going to be betrayed. He will be killed, but three days later He will be raised from the dead.’ And the disciples hearts were filled with grief.” (Matthew 17:22-23)

My first thought was set on the last bit of what Jesus had said “He will be raised from the dead.” and I found myself confused. How could the disciples be “filled with grief”? Jesus just told them that He would die BUT that He was going to rise from the dead, I mean that sounds like pretty awesome news to me. As I re-read it, the Lord struck me with the perspective and focus of the disciples thoughts. They were not looking at the last part of His message, but the first. They saw the devastation, injustice and hopelessness of Jesus’ betrayal and death. When those first words were spoken, I feel like the disciples became so focused on the trial or tragedy, that they failed to acknowledge the triumph to come in Christ’s resurrection. 

I quickly was convicted about how often my focus is also on the initial situation, words, or hardship. I believe we all tend to do this, we focus on the tragedy over the triumph. We see the Lord lead us into valleys of suffering, and all of the sudden we allow pain, anger, or disappointment to blur our vision of the second part of it all, His promises of hope, redemption, freedom, and joy.

I’m reading a book right now called “Hinds feet on high places” it’s an allegorical story written by Hannah Hurnard. It’s a beautiful story about a young girl, Much Afraid, who is on a journey to develop “hinds feet”  so she can reach “the high places”(habakkuk 3:19). There is a great shepherd(who represents Christ) and He has sent her on this journey, promising that if she would trust Him and listen to His commands she will one day develop hinds feet, and reach the high places. Her guides on this are named sorrow and suffering.  On her journey she has been climbing a steep mountain for days when all of the sudden she comes to the top of a mountain and sees a deep desert valley below. I’m going to quote a bit from the book because I feel like her initial response really mirrors my own(and probably quite a few of our’s) in the face of suffering or trials,

“She stopped dead and said to them, ‘We musn’t go down there. The shepherd has called me to the High Places. We must find some path which goes up, but certainly not down there.’ But they made signs to her that she was to follow them down the steep pathway to the desert below. 

Much Afraid looked to left and right, but though it seemed incredible, there was no way possible by which they could continue to climb upward. The hill they were on ended abruptly at this precipice, and the rocky cliffs towered above them in every direction straight as walls with no possible foothold.

‘I can’t go down there,’ panted Much Afraid, sick with shock and fear. ‘He can never mean that — never! He called me up to the High Places, and this is an absolute contradiction of all that He promised.’ “

Much Afraid’s response is so like my own. The Lord would never call me to go down there! He promises good things for me, this can’t be right! Much Afraid goes on to call the shepherd to her side and share her anguish and disbelief with him, to which he responds that that is the way she is to go, and “it is not contradiction of a promise, only a postponement for the best to become possible.”

The problem is not really the trial at all, it’s where my focus is. My focus tends to be on the trial, not the triumph. I forget that amidst it all(suffering, pain, anger, disappointment, grief), there should be incredible peace and joy. For Christ has already conquered the grave, cast our sins into the depths of the ocean, overcome the world and He continues to work ALL things together for the good of those who love Him. He promises never to let us fall, to be our strength, to uphold us. The list could go on forever!

I pray that the Father would give me heavenly eyes and a heavenly heart to rejoice in suffering, for I already know the outcome. He is victorious. Thank you Jesus.

It all seems so elementary, but I can’t ever seem to be reminded enough.

kiss your feet

I dreamed I kissed your feet
Between the cigarette butts
On the side of fourteenth street
I got down on my hands and my knees
With an alabaster jar

I dreamed I’d bleed with your praises
Just to make the world
Smell like your grace again
I got down on my hands and my knees again

And I’m crawling on the floor
Just to find you now
To tell you how I feel I’m falling all over myself

Good morning brokeness
You know you’ve cut me to the bone
Like one of those days in the middle of the winter
The kind that you can’t run away from
And we’ve been here for so long
But I found a way to appease you
Inside this alabaster jar

And I’m crawling on the floor
Just to find you now
To tell you how I feel I’m falling all over myself

And all my afflictions
There only light ones anyway now

-Kiss your feet by John Mark McMillan

This song has really struck a cord in where I am lately.

http://www.imeem.com/people/yKiOf0f/music/lG5IkhT-/john-mark-mcmillan-kiss-your-feet/