china plates and saucers

This always happens in movies. Someone, usually a servant or kitchen help puts all the china into nice little stacks and piles on a tray or table. Then some kid or someone runs through the kitchen, unaware of everything going on around them and knocks all the servant’s meticulously placed work, crashing to the floor. A few scenes later the servant is attempting to recover from the mess and has begun to stack the plates yet again, and the same thing happens. 

The servant always has a few choices, put up a fight and get frustrated, humbly stoop down and continue to clean up the mess knowing full well it could happen again any second, or sweep the broken china under the table and pretend like it never happened, never really completing the task they were instructed to do. 

I feel like life’s like this. Sometimes our little trays get bumped more often, sometimes with more force. As servants of Christ, we have a choice about how to deal with this. And the way we deal with it greatly effects how our Master is portrayed to those around us. 

This semester has brought more jolts to my little tray than I was prepared for. I’ve several times felt that I had just started getting all my little plates and saucers back up neatly when they were once more knocked to the floor. I have chosen many ways, several unwisely, of how to deal with them.

Through all of these situations, the Lord has taught me a great amount grace for others and myself, and how to trust Him, on a deeper level than I’ve ever experienced. I’ve realized that grace is an amazing gift the Father chooses to bestow upon us. Neither I nor anyone else “deserves” grace, it’s a beautiful gift, and I’m learning to walk in that and treat it as such. I still stink at it, but I think it’s a life long process.

One the thing He has so gently been impressing on my heart lately has been the choice I have in dealing with it all. How I choose to react in hard situations, and easy ones too, greatly affects how the people around me view Jesus. Do I choose to look like everything’s lost and my whole world’s coming crashing down when a storm comes my way? Do I choose to love people who are hard to love? Do I act in a manner of grace, restfulness, and peace no matter what happens, knowing full well my God’s in charge? Do I claim to trust the Lord but act and think contradictory? What is my attitude towards life and trials saying to others?

More often than not my honest response to these questions would be opposite of what I’d hope it would be, and know it should be. Too often I question the Lord’s sovereignty. Too often I play the victim. Too often I whine and complain. Too often I forget what I already know. 

I’m reminded of God’s rebuke of Job, and the awe-inspiring response Job has to it: “Behold, I am of small account; what shall I answer you? I lay my hand over my mouth. I have spoken once, and I will not answer; twice, but I will proceed no further.” (Job 40:4&5) Who am I to question the Lord? Who am I to decide what’s right or wrong? Who am I to say I’m innocent or not deserving of trials? I am nothing but the clay! “What sorrow awaits those who argue with their Creator. Does a clay pot argue with it’s maker? Does the clay dispute the one who shapes it, saying, ‘Stop, you’re doing it wrong!’ Does the pot exclaim, ‘How clumsy can you be?”(Isaiah 45:9) It’s silly really. Where do we get off thinking that we have any right to even think of questioning the God of all Creation? But I do it every day.

About a year ago I was reading through the gospels and a particular story stood out to me in a way that it never has. While it was a divine revelation, it was not very applicable in that season of life. Tonight I was reminded of it, 

“22 One day Jesus said to his disciples, “Let’s cross to the other side of the lake.” So they got into a boat and started out. 23 As they sailed across, Jesus settled down for a nap. But soon a fierce storm came down on the lake. The boat was filling with water, and they were in real danger.

 24 The disciples went and woke him up, shouting, “Master, Master, we’re going to drown!”

   When Jesus woke up, he rebuked the wind and the raging waves. Suddenly the storm stopped and all was calm. 25 Then he asked them, “Where is your faith?”

   The disciples were terrified and amazed. “Who is this man?” they asked each other. “When he gives a command, even the wind and waves obey him!”” Luke 8:22-25

What struck me about it, is that the disciples act the way I would and do in every storm life throws my way. Stuff gets hard and I hit the panic button. When I read this passage last year, I remember thinking, “well that’s how I act, but come on, those dumb disciples had Jesus IN the boat WITH them! JESUS! Of course He wasn’t going to let anything happen to them! He was completely in control!” Then I was hit with a realization.  Jesus is always in my boat too. He’s not going to let anything happen to me, that’s not under His control and command. I of little faith, for some reason think He can’t handle it.

Hallelujah!

I am of such little faith and trust in the Lord, and my character is so flawed. I forget simple truths far too often, and even more often I fail to exercise them in my life. I’m so unworthy. But still He loves me. Praise Jesus that He has heavenly patience and grace for my laundry list of screw ups, and failures.

Growing is such a painful, but glorious experience. I thank the Lord for bumping my tray so much, cause as much as I hate it, I know He uses it to make me more like Him. And for that He can knock my dishes over any day.

Today, I just felt like writing

I’ve been trying to drink more water lately, I think I’m dehydrated way too often. My roommate somehow acquired a massive stack of plastic snowmen cups, they seem to be aiding in hydration quite nicely.

Someone left Holiday mix M&M’s on our counter this morning, I’ve helped myself to plenty and come to the conclusion that for some reason, they’re much tastier than plain ones…I think I’ll have some more.

Missing someone is such a mysterious and unexplainable phenomena. I’ve found that you appreciate someone and all the little things about them much more when you’re not with them. Funny how life works that way.

I love the way autumn feels, there’s something about it. For some reason everything seems more peaceful, and still. I feel like I notice everything more, windchimes, the sky, the breeze.  Crunching leaves, cold mornings, seeing your breath, being able to put the car heater on, and wear a jacket all day long, sunshine that warms you and doesn’t make you sweat, getting a cold nose just from standing outside…I love it.

I love the smell and feel of fresh clean laundry. Mmm…especially when I wash the baby blankets I sleep with right before bed, that’s the best.

Swinging is probably one of the most relaxing, comforting things to do. I’m glad I practiced pumping my legs so much when I was little.  Jumping off still scares me.

I took a test today and I guessed on pretty much every single question, my head refused to concentrate when I tried to study yesterday.  If I make less than a 45 I fail out for the semester. May the grace of the Lord be with the scantron machine…

Why is it that pain makes us feel alive and happiness never seems real?

Last night I went running, I am not a big fan of sprints, but there’s something so freeing in running as fast and as hard as you can. It’s the thought that somehow if I can just run fast enough, everything stressful, painful, and hard will just fall to the ground behind me. Never seems to work quite how I want it to, but it helps. I’ve been running alot more lately, it’s one of the best ways to think.

I’m starting to enjoy time alone more. It’s kind of strange, but I really like it. I can just be and think and not have to worry about putting on a show for anyone. I just get to be.  The other day I went to the lake alone and just sat and prayed and journaled and read my bible. It was such a sweet time. There’s something precious about being completely isolated in the presence of the Lord. It’s beautiful

I doubt anyone will read this…but I enjoy writing my thoughts throughout the day. I think I’ll do it more often.

hidden, free, broken, held

I’m having one of those weeks.

I don’t even know what to write down.

Life seems surreal. Slow motion. 

I love the cold weather. It came at a perfect time.

Makes me want to run more.

I want to run and run in the dark until I can’t run anymore and just collapse onto the ground. There’s something freeing about that.

I want to lay in the middle of a field. With the sun beating down on me, and the cold breeze washing over me. With no one around. There’s something comforting about that.

I want to sit and do nothing. 

I want to be out of control busy doing everything.

I want to drive for hours. With no destination.

I want to get away. But I don’t want to leave.

I want to be alone. But I want to be with friends.

Most of all, I just want to sit. Knowing the sovereignty of Christ. Knowing He’s good. Knowing He’s faithful. Knowing He knows. He sees. He gets it. He’s in control. And He’s teaching me how to rest in that.

On my knees at His feet.

I’m drawn into His arms.

“Rest”

 ”but Father…”

“My sweet daughter, Rest.”

“but I don’t…”

Tears slip from my cheek into His strong hand.

“My precious child, Rest.”

My tense body starts to relax. Tears continue to fall down my cheek. But in the safety of His arms, I do just that. Rest.